∞ - -9 months: We float around in space, forever 5.5 inches away from being a thing.

2: Tis’ a simple, befuddling existence: we throw more tantrums than we throw parties and cry more than we think.

13: We’ll never know more than we think we do when we’re 13.

18: We’re free to do as we choose, so long as we choose to go to college. We have a diploma, but no driver’s license—or maybe, that’s just me. 58.1% of us vote.

21: We marinate our minds in college and alcohol.

25: The majority have sex; the minority have kids. A lot of people do a lot of things because a lot of people expect them to.

30: We put our heads down and work towards a day when we don’t have to.

44: We’re a long way from the womb. Hopefully, we’re just as far from the tomb.

50: It’s our 32nd class reunion: we wonder where the time went and are shocked by how some of our classmates are already chillin’ in coffins.

67: We think about when we were 30 and yearning to be 67 so we could reap the benefits of social security and think about when we were 30.

72: We’re probably grandparents now.

78: There’s a lot of staring at our grandchildren and misplacing our dentures.

86: We’re officially out of date, but we don’t care: they love us anyways. Hopefully.

90: Just when we think we’ve overstayed our welcome, we’re thrown a raging birthday party. Or maybe it’s a ‘you can go now’ party, but we don’t care: we’re just having a good time.

97: If we haven’t died by now, there’s a good chance that this is the year.

Death - ∞: We float around in space no longer 5.5 inches away from being a thing. We already got lucky once; who’s to say we get lucky twice?